Learning to Say “No” Through Choice and Accountability

When I discovered Rapid Eye Technology in 1995, I was delighted to see the Skills for Life Principles included in the training and process of Rapid Eye.  The Skills for Life include:

• Thought
• Perception
• Choice and Accountability
• Cause and Effect
• Gratitude and Abundance
• Health and Healing
• Harmony and Rhythm

These skills can help us on a daily basis (with practice) to maintain the transformative changes we make during the Rapid Eye Process.  I use and teach these Skills for Life, and I have a special history with each one of them.  Using Choice and Accountability is a foundation to living a positive life and I have especially worked with this idea for many years.

The principle of Choice and Accountability is a key part of beginning to live life with awareness and increased power.  If you find, as I did, that you feel you have no choice about what happens to you, here is a simple technique I learned from John Enright, a great psychologist and teacher.  His ideas fit perfectly into the Skills for Life model.

In Seattle in the 1970’s I had the chance to study under John and take his seminar called ARC (Awareness, Responsibility and Communication).  One of the things he taught me was the life-changing idea of taking responsibility for my experiences, and the beauty of being able to say no.

I was a person, at that time, who had trouble saying no to the people in my life (my mother, sisters, brothers and at work).  I would say yes to a request when I didn’t really want to do something or I didn’t have time to do whatever I was being asked.   Then I’d look for a way to get out of my commitment by not showing up, forgetting about it, or fabricating reasons or excuses why I couldn’t keep my word.  Or I would do what I committed to do feeling angry or resentful.  This was not a pretty pattern.

So my daily discipline became to absolutely keep my word.  This is a simple, but not easy, two step process.

First, I had to begin to pay attention to my feelings when a request was made of me: did I have time to do it?  Did I want to do it?  And did I have negative feelings — guilt, fear, duty or whatever — about doing it?

Second, if I said yes (for whatever reason) I made myself keep my word and do those things with AWARENESS of my feelings.  My feelings were usually something like, “ugh, I said I would do this for (name anyone) and now I have to do it and I don’t like doing this.  I WILL pay more attention next time so I don’t have to keep my word and do things I don’t want to do.”

My commitment to keeping my word, and this awareness of my feelings created the space in me to begin to say no. Through this daily discipline I learned not to give my word unless I could keep it, to not make commitments lightly and to be more aware of my own needs.  Eventually I gained the ability to say NO to the things I didn’t want in my life and the ability to say YES to all those wonderful experiences, people and things I really wanted.

Today I live with the realization that I am responsible for my life and my choices.  And I become more powerful and authentic when I work on keeping my word and not giving my word to do something I may not want to do or may not be able to fulfill.  If I say yes and do it with AWARENESS, I have no resentment, hostility or procrastination, it is my choice and I am at peace with my choices.

One last thought, John Enright brilliantly used the idea of victim, villain, hero in his ARC Seminars. He pointed out that many times we start out as a victim (not being able to say no) and when we begin practicing saying no, we become a villain (you never help me, you are selfish, you do only what you want to do).  Then as we keep saying no to the things we don’t want, a very interesting thing happens, we become heroes. (Look at her, she can say no, she is in control of her life, I want to be just like her.)

My suggestion is to try out this discipline and see what happens. And if you find you feel blocked or unable to work with the feelings that come up, give me a call and we can discuss the possibilities.   303 527 1996